Thursday, November 29, 2012

Boy Troubles

I am really a happy person, but....




I have been seeing this guy now for some time. We are not exclusive but we have been going out since August. I really like him, he is so cute and funny, but now I am not so sure he and I are a fit. I am pretty depressed about it but let me walk you through it as I work through it myself.

I try to be a really good girl, as you can imagine in the transgendered world there is a lot of sex and a lot of sex expectations because of it all. I have always said I was a girl trapped in a male body and that it is different than transgenderism in what I mean when I say that. I don't see the world in any way that a man would, and I want and desire nothing but things girls desire. I do not care for sports, I do not care for anything a guy wants and never have. So that also means I want what girls want, I feel as a woman and that is something that differentiates me from say a drag queen or a transvestite. I do not want sex, I want love. I do enjoy sex, in what little I have had in my life, but I really want the whole prince to come swoop me off my feet and carry me away to his castle and love me for all my life. So simply put, I am not easy. :)

I have been dating Robbie now for almost 3 months and while we have kissed and fooled around we have not gone all the way yet. The other night, when I returned home from visiting my sister for Thanksgiving he wanted to make me dinner at my place. I told him to meet me there as I had some work to do and I would be home shortly. I came home and there was Robbie standing in my shear baby doll nightie, some of my black lace top thigh highs, and a full face of makeup and one of my wigs on. Ok, imagine the irony! Here I am judging someone for wearing women's clothing? Me? Ha ha, yeah ok odd but yeah I am. I have good reason, go back to what I said about wanting what women want. How many of you know a woman who loves transvestites and wants to have sexual relations with them while dressed? None right? Now you see where I am coming from. I LIKE MEN! Does that make my hypocritical?

So I walk in and I see him there, I kiss him, we eat dinner, and he wants to sit on the couch with me and watch TV. He has not changed his clothes yet mind you so all the while I am enjoying myself because I really like him but it is kinda' odd. I mean he has never told me he had that desire before, not even once, so why now? So I ask him, he tells me he has had these feelings since he was a kid and that was probably why he liked me so much. Ahh I see, so now I can only attract others like me? That is the concern that raced through my mind. I thought about what a hypocritical bitch I was for thinking this way and went along with the night. We did fool around a little then I fell asleep and woke to find him looking normal again and passed out next to me on my sofa. I felt really odd, I am so confused, I mean I AM THE GIRL! Right?

I looked a little confused and I guess that set him off into questions over dinner. "Why do you have girl photos favorited in your Flickr account?" Umm because I love their clothes, the looks many like me are able to pull off and I admire them. "You do it, why can't I?" Ahh the million dollar question, well, I told him because if I wanted to date a tranny I would but I thought I was dating someone else is all. "Does it really bother you?" Well, I don't know, I am just not sure if I want a man to compete with me and I am certainly not into giving if you know what I mean so I do not wish to ever do that.

Do any of you have any experience with this? I want to be able to work through it, finding someone to love you in this world for who you are isn't always easy for girls like me. I appreciate any input and hurry, I am not sure what I will do if I find him in my underwear again. It just changed everything, am I shallow? Am I wrong? I am seriously confused...but what else is new huh? :)

Love to all who read me here!
Valerie
XOXO



Thursday, November 15, 2012

Is Transgendered a Curse or a Blessing?



I have gone back and forth on this based on the various life experiences I was going through at the time. So I ask you, is being transgendered a curse or a blessing? Here are some bullet items for the pro's and the con's to deliberate, and keep in mind I intend for this to be serious yet light hearted.

Pro's
- You get to experience both genders and choose which you prefer
- You have a perspective from the other side of what is attractive in the gender you choose
- Your fellow transgendered friends are the most non-judgmental people on the planet
- You are never starved for physical partners, you may not always get what you want but men throw themselves at you
- You have a deep appreciation for both genders
- You are not a hormonal woman, at least when your meds do not get out of balance
- You go into a dirty bathroom you don't have to sit down
- Your friends all want to help you
- You are really good at taking pictures, of yourself. :)
- You really love pedicures and manicures, more than genetic women as it is a real treat
- Your bars and clubs you go too are full of many fabulous and beautiful people.

Con's
- You spend a lot of time alone :(
- Relationships are hard, 99% of the men you meet only want you for sex
- Married men seem to really be attracted to you. Sorry guys, I am no homewrecker
- Finding good shoes is really really hard, when you throw in fashionable and affordable it gets even harded
- Your feet kill
- Clothes are hard to find, ones that fit well anyway
- Breast forms are hot, I mean you sweat under them, really need these to come in naturally
- Ok thongs do not work for us, hard to hide things in tight dresses and keep them hidden :)
- Pantyhose/Tights are your friend, keeps things in order and makes my butt cute but they are hot
- I know those Vietnamese nail ladies are saying bad things about me, I hate that
- The occasional idiot who feels they need to make you feel bad for being you
- Don't have any relationship with parents
- Dieting ALL THE TIME SUCKS!
- Growing your hair out takes forever
- Get stopped by a police officer is always very uncomfortable
- MAC is expensive
- Getting "laid off" from your job because of your transition



Anything else? Looking forward to your comments.

Hugs everyone!
Valerie

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Halloween!

Halloween 2012

Well if you have been reading my blogs you know what Halloween means to me. I love it for so many reasons but this year I have been so busy I am way behind. Today I went to a costume shop, I had a $50 gift card I got for my birthday I have been saving for this very purpose. I love costumes and there are so many cute ones out there. I guess I have an addiction as I cannot help myself from getting a new one every year. I don't smoke, I only socially lightly drink, and I have never done drugs so if a little sexy number every year is my main vice I feel I am ok. :)

So I went looking and trying on today but did not buy. I will let you decide, tell me which one you like the best as I have narrowed down to four. These are the ones I looked best in and felt the most comfortable in. That is a key I have found out as they can be made cheaply and while look cute make you miserable all night. No fun!

Alice in Wonderland



Snow White



 Peacock



Bee



Can you help a girl out? Let me know in order which one you like the best!

XOXO
Valerie

Friday, October 5, 2012

Let Me Explain - Transgendered

I want to take the time to explain one thing


I get so many emails and inquiries so let me take the time to clear something up. I am a male to female transgendered person, I consider myself female as I am attracted to men, I have had boyfriends in the past but I am single right now. I work hard trying to feed myself and keep my air conditioning on down here in Texas. It isn't easy, I have been fired from my job because of my transition, I have had men in cars throw things at me, I have had people stare and laugh as I walk past them, and I have had men use me for physical excitement and one get really angry when he realized I was not his blow up doll for the night and beat me up in his car. My neighbors are two single girls and they yell ugly things at me from time to time as I am simply laying by the pool or going to get my mail. And going to the grocery store,  trying to find shoes that fit me, going to the doctor when I am ill, buying cosmetics at Wal Mart, going to the bank to open an account and then make a deposit or withdrawal, getting stopped by a police officer and having a drivers license that says Male, even just going to a public event like a festival or fair is a major chore. And try going into a lingerie store and get fitted for a bra that actually will fit me and do it's job, there are mean people in this world.

This is my life, and you would think it was horrible but it really isn't. Imagine waking up in the morning, looking in the mirror, seeing a person there that wasn't how you saw yourself. I am finally waking up every day and seeing the person I truly am, although I wish was prettier. But I am happy, very happy. God is good, he will provide, this is something I hold dear to my heart. Sure things are hard but God never promised us life would be easy, just that it would be a better and happier place if you turn it over to Him.

I am lonely though, you have no idea how hard it is to meet a guy who truly wants to be with me for me and not just because I have breasts, a penis, and wear womens clothing. It is amazing to me how so many see someone like me and they think I am some sex starved person who would just love to go down on them and service them so they can get off and leave and go back to their wives. I am a human being, I have feelings, I experience joy, sorrow, excitement, depression, love, hate, jealousy, animosity, tension, and elation just as you and everyone else does. Crazy huh? I mean, wow, this person is a human being in those high heels! What a concept.

What do I want in life? I want a good job that I am not oppressed or discriminated in where I can go to work, work hard, make my company and myself money and have security in this world. I want a man to make me fall in love with him, to hold my hand, to laugh with, to lay on the couch with as he rubs my feet and I feel intimacy in a non-sexual way with, and one who loves me for who I am, all skeletons included. I want to feel joy and leave the past behind me with a future that is bright and joyful. I want great shoes, pretty dresses, and a wardrobe that I can feel confident in when I go out into the world. I want a cat, someone to live with me who loves me unconditionally and sees me for who I am and not what society labels me. And I just want a car I can depend on.

This is who I am, I am happy, I am lonely, I worry about the future, I try to forget the past, and I am happy. I cry, I laugh, I bleed, I smile, I frown, and I walk with my head held high as I trust in my God to be by my side as I walk through this life that is special and unique and I wouldn't trade for the world.

Now, when you email me, call me, meet me, I sure hope you read this. Life is short, please bring me joy or go where you will find it yourself and not at the expense of this human being just trying to live each day.

Have a great weekend, love to all

XOXO
Valerie

Thursday, September 27, 2012

College Days - Part V

College Days - First Love





They say everyone remembers their first kiss and their first love. Well my first kiss was while wearing boy clothes with my first girlfriend in middle school. I guess I remember it but I am not sure I remember it like most people. But my first love, well that is a whole different story.

I returned to college after Christmas Break, all mixed up and trying to figure out who I was and how I was going to live my life. As awkward as that semester was I did have one bright shining star enter my life. One day in February I went out with the girls to a local bar and restaurant that we often frequented. I had raided my BFF Tammy's closet and had a cute black sweater dress on with black tights and high heeled boots. I was looking good, margaritas were flowing, and I was feeling good when HE walked in. Now I am sure everyone in life has that one person that they had a relationship with but never in a million years thought was possible. Not only was he not in my league he was probably not in to girls with a penis. I mean you have to be real about things right? But he was dreamy, and I had been seeing him since the day I arrived on campus. Thick really dark brown hair, tan, muscular but not large, and funny. He was in two of my classes in the Fall and one in the Spring and I often caught myself staring at him across the classroom just wondering what his breath smelled like and holding his pretty hands. Well here we all were, and here he is. I saw him come in and I trembled a little, at that time I actually acknowledged that I had a crush on him. His name was David and I will never ever forget the night that was about to occur.

I whispered to Tammy and Suzanne that he was a guy in my class and I thought he was really cute. Tammy being the social butterfly that she is looks me in the eyes and says "I know him! Let's invite him over!" and before I could veto out of nervousness and generally being shy she yells "Davey boy, get over here!" I remember him walking over and I remember watching him like it was one of those Dream Weaver scenes from Wayne's World as he did. He hugged Tammy and she introduced him to Suzanne first and then looks at me and says "This is my good friend Val." I reach out my hand and he takes it and says "pleased to meet you Val." Ahhhh I am dying! He touched my hand! You know that dreamy guy like the guy in Sixteen Candles was to Molly Ringwald he was to me. No way I could ever be with a boy like that! So him coming over was kinda' a big deal to me. I remember being all squirmy and antsy but I could not stop smiling and staring in to his big beautiful brown eyes. We all stayed there for awhile when he says "a friend of mine is having a party, free beer and margaritas, want to go?" Well Tammy jumps up and says yes again before I can put my two cents in and we closed out our bill and left.

In the car I tell Tammy that I am nervous, I had never been out at a party with normal boys in my feminine attire outside of the costume parties where people think it is a joke. She and Suzanne look back at me and tell me to chill as I look good and people are not going to even know. And if they did they would not care. Well, imagine yourself in my 4" stiletto boots, I am a boy in girls clothes going to the cool kids party. This could be terrible! Anyway, I reluctantly agree to go and we pull up to the apartment where the party was being hosted. I remember walking in and scanning the room for the girls, not the boys so much, I actually had a greater fear of the cool college girls than any boy. Odd maybe but one thing about the girl world you need to know is it is always a competition. Any girl who walks in on another girls turf looking hot will get discredited and talked about on eyesight so I was watching out for the whisperers of the crowd. A couple I could see were already working but really not as bad as I had feared. So I go in, we all three get Margaritas, and David asks us to walk out on the balcony. It was a cold night that night, I remember sitting in a lawn chair and shivering. I did not own a coat except this guy thing that was Dallas Cowboys and I certainly was not going to wear that with a Banana Republic sweater dress! So I sat there shivering, maybe my teeth began to rattle or something and David notices and asks if I would like his jacket. I smiled, said yes very shy like, and he placed it over my shoulders. I was in heaven, it smelled like him and I was warm and comforted. But more than anything, accepted by a man.

We sat and talked for an hour or so and Tammy invites David and one other boy to go back to her apartment and get out of the cold. He agrees and we all go to Tammy's place. Tammy and her guy proceed to go into the kitchen where she gets some Mike's Hard Lemonades for she and I and beers for the guys. They stay in the kitchen and I start to hear them kissing. Guess she got yet another boy at the snap of her fingers I thought, I mean she got whatever she ever wanted in that area and it was sickening! Of course she is beautiful, blonde, green eyes, leggy and in a miniskirt, and has very large breasts. She is low hanging fruit for lack of a better term because she is gorgeous and she likes every boy who has interest in her. Ha ha, she will kill me when she reads this but then she will admit it is true so I am comfortable me writing it won't upset her too much. :) Anyway, I hear them kissing so I kinda' giggle and look at David who is sitting on the sofa next to me. I say "I guess we are on our own tonight, those two look to be busy already." David looks at me and says we should watch a movie or something, that he is tired and he just wants to hang. Ok, I am still coming out of my boots here but it is deep in the evening and I am exhausted as well so I am much looser and in large part due to being tipsy. I remember turning on the TV, finding a movie on cable, taking my boots off and placing my legs up on the ottoman that sat in front of our couch. David while on the same couch was a good 3' away and I am not seeing any romantic anything coming my way so I just got comfortable. It was then that David says to me, "you really have pretty legs, I like girls in black tights." I remember trembling, shaking, and a lot of activity occurring under my tights that I really will never forget. I smiled back and said "Thank you!" and went back to looking at the movie. He gets up, sits right next to me and says "I really think you are cute, can I have a hug?" Of course I tell him and hug him. I remember as I start to pull back he kisses my neck. Ooooh, wow, that was exciting. I remember pulling back, looking at him in the eyes, and he puts his hand on the back of my head and pulls my mouth to his. We start to kiss, and it is the hottest first kiss I have ever had my entire life. He pulls back after about a 5 minute make out session, puts his hand on my thigh, head on my shoulder, and starts watching the movie.

At this point I am at a crossroads, do I go further with the boy of my dreams or do I tell him who I am and run the risk of losing it all? You can only imagine the turmoil in my mind, this was a huge thing! I sat there for ten minutes worrying about it and then I just blurt it out. "David, I have to be honest with you about something." He looks at me, smiles, and says "Tammy told me a lot about you, so if you are nervous about that just know I appreciate your honesty but I know, and I am here, and nothing else needs to be said." I remember that feeling still to this day, acceptance, joy, excitement, and early love. I looked at him, kissed him on his pretty lips, and pulled his hands inside mine. We fell asleep there and woke up many hours later. Imagine that, a boy likes me, and this boy! A hard life before really started to come into a stage of pure joy that I had not felt much before. I was so happy.

The next morning when we woke I ran in the bathroom, I had to pee so bad, and I remember looking in the mirror and smiling at myself. This was joy, something I had never felt before to this level. I remember touching up my makeup, fixing my wig (I had not started growing out my hair yet to the level where it looked good) and walking back out to the living room. He looked at me, smiled, kissed me while holding my hands, and said "can we do this again soon?" I said of course and he kissed my cheek, took my hand to his mouth and kissed it, and left. I closed the door, slid down the door on my back, and just started to smile uncontrollably. Mr. Dreamy made my day, what can a girl say? I was in Heaven.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Want To Make A Difference In The World?

Ever think, I wish I could make a difference in the world?


Ever thought for one second about the ripple effect good actions can have in a day? For example, you tell a girl in the morning she is beautiful. She then goes off into the world and drives to her job with a smile on her face, she sings, she gets to work and she says hi with a pretty smile to all she passes as she comes in, and so on, and so on, and so on.

Now, let's back up and explore the opposite. Say you don't say anything at all and maybe the girl is having some self esteem issues. Maybe she is upset about something in the world and feeling there is no joy. So you pass and say nothing, she drives off to work and she is listening to depressing or even angry music. She cuts a couple people off, people get angry, they go off into the world and instead of smiling at the people they work with when they come in they grumble and frown. Those people are put into a bad place and everyone around them is affected negatively as well.

You see how one simple action can change the world, even if it is just for a half of a day? You may change a portion of the worlds outlook by one simple action so take the moment and try each and every day. Smile, say something nice to those you share the world with, open a door for someone, let an old lady in front of you on the way to work even though you may be late, tell someone you love them. Let's change the world for 20-30 people every day one day at a time. Life is too short, we all deserve happiness, so give it and it will come back 10 fold.

God bless you all!

Slight diversion - Judge me do you?

Jesus said "you without sin cast the first stone"

Ok I am pretty poor, and I am very ok with that. Money does not make you happy in life although it does buy you some nude peep toe platform pumps that I so desperately need. Well you know me, I had to throw a little humor in here.





Ok I am a little spiritual, not overly, but I do have a foundation in my life and it is my belief that there is a God, he loves us all unconditionally, and we probably make him cry on a daily basis. That being said there are so many self righteous people in the world that hide behind the name of Christianity and pass judgement off on anyone and everyone they come in contact with. I have this neighbor and she is about 45 years old, divorced, has a child out of wedlock, and she often is on the same bus route as I am in the morning so I have to sit there with her each and every day. She is always kinda' rude, just not nice, and always looking at what I am wearing and mumbling things. I guess the bus route thing was the reason I brought up my financial situation, maybe I was trying to lead into this somehow and failed miserably. Oh well, back to the story, this morning this lady really upset me.

I walked out to the bus, in jeans, a pair of black strappy cork wedges, and a black t-shirt. I am carrying my book bag and  my purse and I sit down next to her on the bench. She looks down at my toes and asks, "do you do your toes yourself?" I said yes, do you think they look bad? "No" she says, "they are actually really nice." I just did them in a baby blue color and put white polka dots on them like Taylor Swift in the opening scene of her "Our Song" video. I was pretty proud of them, they are cute, and a compliment coming from this woman? Is this what I am hearing? Interesting. Well the conversation then goes on about how she spends a fortune on getting her nails done in the salon next to our apartment and that she really needs to find a better place because for that amount of money she should be taken care of better. Her polish does not last, chips easy, you know all the girl problem stuff we complain about. Anyway, I state that I do not go to salons because I simply cannot afford it so I have tried to train myself to do it as well as I can. She replies, "well if you were not living in a life of sin your Lord God would provide for you.""Excuse me? I am living in a life of sin?" I respond. She says "yes, you homosexual queers are a disgrace to the life your Lord has given you and you need to repent and pray for forgiveness." Ok to some degree she is right, I mean DON'T WE ALL? INCLUDING YOU? I looked down at the ground, stared at my toes, and tried to not cry. She didn't insult me as much as she was just yet another thorn in my side in life and I am just so worn down and tired of thorns.

The bus comes, we both board, and I sit. She walks in behind me and sits on the row right behind me and and says, "I am sorry I upset you, but you have to realize that God meant for a man to sleep with a woman and your lifestyle offends me." I turned back around and I looked her in the face and asked her the following "Do you know me? Do you know anything about the mental aspect of a transgendered person and how they see the world, themselves, those they love?" She says "No I just know homosexuals are a disgrace to God and admonished in the Bible." I respond "So is divorce, adultery, and having children out of wedlock. You don't judge yourself on these things?" She says "No because Jesus Christ has saved me and washed away all my sins." To which I respond "So people like me do not get the same?" She sits, stares at the back of my seat, and says nothing the rest of the ride in to town.

My bus stop comes, I get up, collect my things, and I looked back at her and said "I hope you have a great and blessed day and if you ever want someone to help you with your nails feel free to knock on my door. I am always happy to help someone in need, I just may need the same of someone in return one day. That is what Christian people do." She stares at me, I walk away, and as I stepped off the bus I smiled. It does pay off in life to always take the high road, trust me, it is very empowering.

May you all have a blessed and happy day!

Valerie
XOXO

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

College Days (Part Four, Bored Yet?)

Mental Help Was Needed, Who Knew?








I walked in to the student counseling office and take a seat. In there I sit next to a guy who looks like he hasn't taken a shower for weeks and a girl who appears to be Olive Oil's down and out sister. Not being judgmental but trying to get you a picture in your mind. I sit there and wait for a second then read you need to ring the bell and sign in. So I do, and I sit, nobody comes, ten minutes of trying to not make eye contact with the two people in the room with me. Eventually a lady comes out, asks for me and has me follow her in to her office. She sits in a chair and asks me to sit on a black leather sofa next to this gigantic plant. I look around the room and there are all kinds of books on mental disorders and the like. Why am I here? I start to go into shut down mode as I am really feeling like calling these people was a huge mistake.

The Doctor starts asking me questions of who I am, what do I study, what do I like, yada, yada, yada. After about ten minutes of that she gets to the real question, why did I call? I told her honestly, I do not know, that my sister was afraid I was depressed and I made a promise to call you guys when I got back to make her feel better. She was worried, we are close, and I owed her that much for being so great to me. The Doctor then asks "what do you mean by being great to you?" Ahh these people are good right? I squirmed, I was on edge, and I danced around it quite a bit. I think I said something to the effect that I had some sexual encounters that got me in trouble and she saw me through them or something to that effect. Well we go round and round on questions and as I said before these people are good. I eventually slip and say I am not happy because I cannot be who I truly am. That was all the crack in the door for the good Doctor to stick her foot in the door and get to the real issue at hand. "Who are you really?" she asks. Well, I guess in a moment of courage or just a slip of judgement I say "a girl."

Ever have one of those moments where you say something and you wish you could grab it in the air and shove it right back down into your mouth for which it came? If I could have I would have. I remember she stared at me, wrote some things down on her paper, and did not say much of anything for a couple minutes outside of a few "hmm" sounds as she wrote. I remember squirming and wanting to get out of there fast. She then asks me, how long have you had gender confusion? "Huh? I am not confused! I want to be a girl, I was born with a penis, that is not confusion that is Hell on Earth!" She looks at me and asks me a series of questions that to the best of my untrained logic were to get to whether or not it was a sexual fetish thing or was I truly a gender mixed up individual. I guess I answered them strongly because she immediately went in to a line of questioning about how I see myself when I looked in a mirror, what I wished for as far as how I presented myself to the world, and whether her shoes matched her handbag that day. Ok, kidding on the last one, they did, but she didn't ask and I wouldn't wear/carry them. :)  Anyway, she prescribes me an anti-depressant and tells me to take St. John's Wort and Gaba supplements for mental happiness and gives me the name and number of the President for the University LGBT organization. I also get an appointment for the next week and she tells me one thing I will never forget. "You are a transgendered person who professionally I must use the word homosexual to describe because of your attraction to the same gender." Ouch, ever been told who you were by someone you did not know for the very first time? It was odd.

But I remember walking out of there and feeling pretty good. Not because of anything she said but because it was one more stone I turned over in life and it felt as if I had a little weight lifted from my shoulders. I did start attending meetings with the student LGBT organization and I met some people who were just like me. There is more to this I will share over time but this was the third big awakening in life in figuring out who I was to be able to find true happiness one day in this big old scary world.




College Days (Part Tres)

My College Days (What's next?)


It was time to go back to school, Christmas was over, a new year had begun, I had experienced so much from the middle of October to the end of December as far as becoming who I really was but what comes next? I was knee deep in right? My sister knew, my two best friends knew, they had all invested in me becoming who I truly was inside for the rest of the world to see, but was I ready to put on female clothing and go to class? It is one thing on Halloween, another when hanging out with your girlfriends, but to go out in the middle of the day and live your life, that is a whole other level. I was so scared, what if people mocked me, would the girls giggle, would the professors judge me? But the biggest hangup I had was would I change my name? If I go through with this I can't answer to Michael and be in a pair of pumps! So complicated! At that time I decided I was not ready to go through changing my name at school because that would be a pain but they would change my name on all my correspondence so that meant my parents would get that and I had not told them anything yet. I was so not ready for that yet. So the semester plan was to go to school as Michael but at night try to live as full time as Valerie as possible. It was time to start going out in public more and going out alone and seeing if this was even possible. Again, scary right?

The Spring semester went along, class started, everything was great. I would go to class and as soon as I came home I would immediately change into my female image every single day like someone who wakes up in the morning and takes a shower and dresses to start the day. One of the challenges was hair, mine was short and I had not started growing it out yet and the other was nails. I so wanted to do them and do them right but the whole painting them for 6-7 hours, taking it off, doing it again the next day was exhausting as well as expensive. I was somewhere in the middle, not a man nor a girl, and it was killing me going in and out every day. It was not about being a male or a female as much as it was just not having the time or the energy to always be putting on fronts. By Spring Break I was not even doing the Valerie thing and questioning whether or not I really could go through with this. I went weeks without transforming in any form although I would still read each issue of Cosmo cover to cover and caught myself watching chick flicks and shows more than anything else I was just not living the life very often any more.

I went home for Spring Break and again reunited with my sis. We sat on her bed one night of the break and just talked, talked about all of these things and I caught her up on where I was and the issues I was having. She got really concerned for me, she thought I was clinically depressed, and threatened to take it to Mom and Dad and tell them I was suffering from depression because she was scared for me and my well being. She said she did not want to get a call one day that I had hung myself with a necktie in my closet in Georgetown and would do anything necessary to prevent that. I remember being so angry with her, it was like she was forcing my hand and I did not even feel sick or depressed to the level she said I was. As a compromise I told her I would go see someone back at school on campus as they had free therapy for students through an organization on campus that they all made us aware of at orientation. She seemed ok with that, I got that monkey off my back for awhile anyway, and life moved on.

I returned to Georgetown and looked up the number and gave them a call. I told them of my issues and they asked if I could come right then and there to speak with them. They were all very serious and I guess if they feel you are depressed they don't want you to make an appointment and do something dumb between the call and then. I packed up my backpack and walked out my door right away because they said if they did not see me in 10 minutes they would call for help. What? Crazy! I wasn't depressed! I am just doing this to appease my sister. So I got out of my door and went there right away. But in my hasted it never really donned on me, what would I say? Why am I depressed anyway if I truly am that way? Do I out myself on campus? That walk was 10 minutes but I don't think my mind raced more ever. I got to the door of their office and I remember grasping the door handle, pausing, taking a deep breath, and entering.

More to come...

Monday, September 17, 2012

College Days (Part Dos)

My College Days (Awakening)






My first Semester in college was full of many ups and downs but as I walked away from it I had grown so much as a human being. I remember driving home for Christmas break after my last final and just being in awe at how different my life was from the day I left home for school till the day I left school to go back home. Just one semester, a little over 4 months, and what a change in how I saw the world.

I get home, my parents home is all decorated for Christmas, my sister is home from TCU herself and she is there to meet me in the kitchen. She and I are close, always were, but something about me going away to school was a bonding thing for her and I. Sure she left a year earlier herself but something about me being away brought us closer. She hugged me and would not let go, it was so nice I must say to feel that love from your family member when you returned home. Wow, how awesome that truly was, a moment in my life I will never forget. She helped me get my things out of my car, we talked as I did laundry and shared stories of our semester. As you can imagine doing something as simple as laundry could be a changing moment in our relationship and in hindsight I was so stupid for not seeing it coming. I mean DUH! I just start pulling things out of my laundry bag and separating whites from colors and I guess my new life at school just didn't make me think maybe doing that in front of my family might be an issue. I pull out some panties, some tights, and a bra and toss them in the appropriate pile and WHAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks. My sister looked at me, I looked at her back, in my mind the lie was created in an instant, tell her it is a girlfriends who left it at my place after a hot night of sex! Yeah! That will work. No, no my sister and I are too close and I could never lie. It was a defining moment in my life.

She picks up my bra and my tights and puts them on top of the dryer. She tells me, hang on, you don't want to wash these with your jeans and stuff, I have a load of delicates and Mom just bought a bottle of Woolite so let me go get them. I sat there in the laundry room and I was stunned, what had just happened? I must have chewed off every fingernail I had in that five minutes of waiting for her to return and I guess I had tears in my eyes. My sis walks in and looks at me, she says "hey I know, and it is cool, but be careful with Mom and Dad ok? I'll wash these with mine, you don't have to tell them a thing, just let me help you." Wow, what a great sister huh? I hugged her, we went on about our business, and all was well.

Christmas Eve comes, my sister tells me she got me something really fun for Christmas but she needs to tell me something about it first before I open it tomorrow in front of the family. I kinda' got scared, I mean I was already nervous because I had gotten her this really cute dress from Banana Republic and these awesome Jessica Simpson shoes from Macy's but would my parents freak when they see her open it and think wow, he got her that? My story was going to be that I took her shopping and she picked it out but you know, not easy in my mind worrying about their reaction. My sister comes to me and tells me "hey I got you a gift, when you open it just know that I am going to replace it with something different later, just go along." Mmm, ok, uhh, what?

Christmas morning we are opening gifts, my Mom gets me clothes, yuck, boy clothes from the Gap no less, as boring as you can get right? But I am appreciative, my Mom is trying to take care of me. I smile, fold them, and start thinking Thank God there are receipts in here (Mom is always anal about things not fitting) and started to wonder what kind of cute clothes they have in the women's section I can return these for. But it is all good, we open gifts, my sister opens hers and freaks as she is so happy, mostly about the shoes as she was dying for those, but she is elated. My Dad asks, you picked that out for her? I answered "Nah Dad, we went to the Mall the other day and she tried all that stuff on, I went back a day later and got it for her." Smooth criminal there. I then open my gift from my Sis, it is an Academy gift card. I remembered what she said so I played along and all was good. Later that day, she comes up to me and says "Ok give me that card back, that is for Doug (her boyfriend) and I am going to his house later, I need to re-wrap it." So I do, she then hands me a new gift, wrapped in a pretty pink bow that is still on my mirror in my room today as it had sentimental value to me. I open it, it is a gift card to Charlotte Russe. For those who do not know, go to www.charlotterusse.com and see what they sell. I looked her, my hands trembled, she looked at me and said "I love you! We can go hit up all the after Christmas sales and get something fun for you to wear ok? Besides, you need some fun things and deserve happiness." I hugged her, I cried, I hugged her some more, it was such a Merry Christmas, even if I am an abomination in the Bible on the biggest most sacred Christian day of the year. I was so happy.

A couple days later my sis says she needs to go to the mall and asked me to come along with her and bring my card. I told her I was stressing about one thing in all of this and that was going in to the store as a guy and picking out clothing, how awkward! The thought really made me nervous! So she asked me, "do you want to dress in some of my clothes and go as a girl?" The truth was yes, I really did, but maybe I was not ready for that yet. I told her I will be your boyfriend and you go get things and I will go in the dressing room with you to you know, approve. She thought that was a good plan and off we went. We got there and I found so many cute things, I had such a ball running around and picking out cute things to try on. Prior to that all I ever had were costumes from costume shops who never care and get men buying girls stuff all the time and clothing I bought off the internet in the privacy of my own laptop and the world wide web. This was too cool! I tried on clothes for almost two hours, settled on 2 dresses, a couple tops, a lace skirt, and 3 pairs of tights. Oh and some earrings that are still to this day my favorites. All for $100, the amount of her gift card she gave me, gotta' love Charlotte after Christmas girls, all I can say about that. I used my money on a cute pair of hot pink wedges and a pair of black pumps. All in all I think $140 made me happier than $10K ever could.

We went home, we had some fun looking at them again, I placed them in her closet just in case, and again took the time to reflect again on how much my life has changed in a little over 4 months. I went from wanting to jump off a bridge to thinking this person inside who I really am stands a chance. I don't think I ever had a merrier Christmas before or since.





Friday, September 14, 2012

College Days

My College Days (My collegiate coming out party)

As you can imagine, I did not start college in a very good place. Not very fair when you think about it as this should be an exciting rite of passage for a young person. Out on their own reaching out into the world to make something of themselves. But my entire foundation was crumbled to dust as I started my days of my new life and I was really not in the best of places.

I went off to college, I had an apartment already set up real close to campus, and my best friends family insisted that they paid half for the year as they did not want me to have to get a smaller place or live with someone I did not know in the 11th hour after the death of their daughter. I had a real problem with accepting their money, in fact I wouldn't. I didn't know how I was going to make ends meet but I refused their money. But being the great people that everyone in that family truly is they sent the money to the apartment office for the year in one check and did not let me refuse. So here I was all alone in the world and probably making a huge mistake in living by myself. I was lonely, but I did make a few friends in some of my neighbors. One was a great girl named Tammy who was from Ft. Worth and another named Suzanne who was from Plano. They were so sweet, they heard my story from the apartment manager and befriended me and made sure I had someone to hang out with and they showed me the school and the town. I feel like God sent those people into my life to save me, and I think my bestie had something to do with it as well. Angels they were, and if it wasn't for them I may have dropped out and moved God knows where in this world.

That first semester was fun really, I got on with my life, I had some great friends, and I was free of being at home and under my parents rules on a day to day basis. But in starting over with people close to me I had a lot of anxiety and nervousness as well. What if Tammy and Suzanne did not understand? What if they thought I was a freak? If I lost them where would I be? I still remember the day, funny because it seems Halloween drove so much in my early days. It was mid October sometime and we all went to a Halloween store in Georgetown to see if we could get some Halloween decorations and they wanted to look for some sexy costumes for a party we were all going to. I remember standing in the store not really knowing what to do, should I go to the boy section or the girl section? I wanted to go get this awesome little costume I saw on the rack, a sexy saloon girl with these super cute black vertical striped thigh high stockings and feathered hat. But had I gone and gotten that I would be risking judgement from my two friends. So I sat there, wandered around not knowing what to do, looking at everything just stalling. Tammy hollers out to me to come and see what she was trying on and tell her what I think. I walk over and she drags me in her dressing room with her. She was trying on this cute Alice In Wonderland costume and I remember asking me what I thought. I told her I thought it was really cute and cute on her and she should get it. She leaned over and whispered in my ear, "you can borrow it if you want." I stepped back in amazement. "What?" I said, and she told me that she had never known a boy who was that in touch with women's clothing who was not at least gay. Guess I am more transparent than I ever imagined. I told her I really did not consider myself gay so she then states "well then you are what exactly, a woman trapped in a man's body?"

Wow, how does one answer such a defining question? Again you know I am in search of normalcy, scared to death of being alone in the world, left alone already in many ways, and here is the line in the sand like Col. Travis at the Alamo. I was sweating, how do I answer and  be honest yet not lose my friends? I was in a panic, my heart started to race, my face turned red, and I sat down on the bench in the dressing room. Tammy looked at me and said, "It's ok, really, I am sorry and I didn't mean to pressure you." I stood up and somewhere from deep inside I found this massive amount of courage and told her "Well you are right in some regards, I was born a male but I am not a male. I see the world through girls glasses and I see myself both internally and externally as a female. I am not really attracted to women as a man and I do find myself attracted to other men but only when I am in my female version. If that makes me gay I guess I am but you can see why I don't see it that way." With tears in my eyes I sat back down ready for judgement to come down on me. Tammy sat next to me, picked up my hands, kissed my fingers, and said "I am so sorry I put you through this, you are a beautiful person and I am so glad you are my friend no matter what. I do not feel any different today than I did yesterday and I am so glad to know because I knew you were keeping something from me."

We walked out of the dressing room, Suzanne came over and was worried, "what's wrong?" she asked as she saw we both had tears in her eyes. Tammy took Suzanne outside and spoke with her for about 5 minutes while I stood inside the store staring at this tombstone that was made out of styrofoam. I cannot tell you what it said but I stood there and stared at it the whole time hoping Suzanne would not judge me. They both came back in the store, one took each hand and they hugged me. Suzanne said "why didn't you tell us sooner? We have known you for 2 months!" I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said that I loved them so much and was scared I would lose the only two real friends whom I valued so much in life and I would rather live in misery than lose them. We cried, and we cried some more, I swear those people that worked there think we are nuts and are telling the story to this day. We went and bought Tammy the Alice costume, Suzanne picked out a Candy Corn Witch costume which had these cute orange and yellow striped stockings, and we left the store. We got to the car and Suzanne looked at me and said "You don't have a costume!" I remember saying "yeah one traumatic step at a time" to them. They smiled, insisted we go back in, and I got that saloon girl costume.

I love Halloween, it is my favorite holiday and now you know why.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

My mixed up world

Birth Through High School

Well since this is my first blog I will take the time to introduce myself and tell you a little of who I am, as best I can. Some people are fortunate in this world to be born, to grow up in a world of fun and excitement, to have loving and supporting families, and to grow and develop through life and education just as society sees as perfectly normal. What I crave to be normal. How sad is that? If there was anything I could be in life, any one thing I could attain, it would be normalcy. You see I was was not one of those fortunate souls who came into life and only had to worry about education, family, growing up, playing Little League baseball, going to dance class, and being popular in High School. No, none of that was me.

When I was 6 I remember sneaking in to my Mom's closet. I can remember thinking her clothes were so much more fun than mine. My sister had a drawer I distinctly remember that had fun things in it like leotards, tights, and a tutu from her ballet days. These things I would go play with when I was alone, and when I put them on I felt very happy. Some "cross dressers" dress for sexual thrill, I dressed for peace of mind and comfort. I would play with my sisters makeup, she would do my face sometimes and thought she was just being funny but secretly I was never happier as a child as I was during  those times. Her room was pink and white, and she had fun things to play with like this awesome doll house and she was the first to have her own CD player. We would listen to Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey, and No Doubt for hours on end. We would dance and sing and pretend we were these artists and put on shows in her room. These were the first memories I had of being different.

In High School I can remember really struggling the most in life. I was so confused as to who I was that I lived in a fog. I was not a popular kid, I did not play sports, was not musically gifted, and really did not fit in anywhere.  I remember having more girlfriends than guy friends and spending a lot of time listening to them talk, going with them to the mall, and just hanging out. I think I was a sophomore when one of my friends asked me if I was gay. I was so shocked by this question, "OF COURSE NOT" I said! I mean NO! Not me! So I spent the rest of my High School years playing the role of ladies man, dating and trying to conquer as many women as possible to prove I was not classified as something I was so scared of and for what reason I to this day do not know why. And while I was out conquering and eating meat and burping and swearing, secretly underneath I was crying. I would wear the hippest male clothing I could buy, and underneath a pair of pantyhose I snuck out of my sisters drawer with pink painted toenails. Which, as you can imagine made gym class always an adventure and took some careful planning.

During those days I remember longing to be able to wear what I really wanted to school and be accepted. I would pray to God every night before I fell asleep that I would wake up a girl and finally be happy. Every morning I woke I would look down and every morning I wanted to cry. Was I really trapped in this Hell on Earth forever? Is there no way out? How do I make it through another day pretending to be someone I am not? And every night I would pray again, only to awaken and have to face the world again in a costume hiding who I really am.

My happiest day in High School was one Halloween, my best friend in the world Carrie thought it would be hilarious if I went out as Wonder Woman and she went out as Superman. So we went to the costume shop, I got my costume complete with wig, tights, and we went to a resale place and found a pair of red go go boots. We went back to her place and she did my makeup and my hair, bought me some Lee Press on Nails and painted them red, I painted my toes the same color, and put on the outfit. That was the first time ever anyone besides my sister saw me in female clothing. She said I was beautiful and I felt so awesome! We went to a party together, of course all the guys laughed at me and the girls thought it was amazing. Gee I wonder who I fit in with right? Anyway, this party was more than going out in public with my ass hanging out of a star spangled leotard and face full of makeup, it was much much more. Later that evening right before the party wrapped up I was outside in the back yard of the home where the party was and a boy on the football team, Lance, came up to me. He told me I looked really hot for being a guy. I was shaking, it was like wow, that was odd, what am I feeling here? My heart raced, my knees quivered, and oh God, why is my leotard bottom getting tight? Oh no! That can't happen! It was innocent, he didn't mean anything, and I am just nervous. Well we went behind the garage in a haze of how we got there that I do not remember and he kissed me. We made out for a long time before he had to go. I walked back in, lipstick was a wreck, and Carrie said these simple words. "I knew." She smiled, she hugged me, she fixed my face, and we went home and I crashed at her place. That night I slept absolutely zero after getting out of the costume (which I did not wish to take off ever!) and I came to the realization of who I was and why I was so confused my whole life.

I finished High School that year, Lance never spoke to me again and avoided me like I had the plague, and Carrie and my friends had a fantastic year together. Unfortunately Carrie was killed in an auto accident the Summer between our Senior year and College. One more blow in life to deal with, we were both going to Southwestern University together, living together, and now I was cast into the world all alone with a whole new set of rules.

See what I mean about normalcy? More to come.