Thursday, November 29, 2012

Boy Troubles

I am really a happy person, but....

I have been seeing this guy now for some time. We are not exclusive but we have been going out since August. I really like him, he is so cute and funny, but now I am not so sure he and I are a fit. I am pretty depressed about it but let me walk you through it as I work through it myself.

I try to be a really good girl, as you can imagine in the transgendered world there is a lot of sex and a lot of sex expectations because of it all. I have always said I was a girl trapped in a male body and that it is different than transgenderism in what I mean when I say that. I don't see the world in any way that a man would, and I want and desire nothing but things girls desire. I do not care for sports, I do not care for anything a guy wants and never have. So that also means I want what girls want, I feel as a woman and that is something that differentiates me from say a drag queen or a transvestite. I do not want sex, I want love. I do enjoy sex, in what little I have had in my life, but I really want the whole prince to come swoop me off my feet and carry me away to his castle and love me for all my life. So simply put, I am not easy. :)

I have been dating Robbie now for almost 3 months and while we have kissed and fooled around we have not gone all the way yet. The other night, when I returned home from visiting my sister for Thanksgiving he wanted to make me dinner at my place. I told him to meet me there as I had some work to do and I would be home shortly. I came home and there was Robbie standing in my shear baby doll nightie, some of my black lace top thigh highs, and a full face of makeup and one of my wigs on. Ok, imagine the irony! Here I am judging someone for wearing women's clothing? Me? Ha ha, yeah ok odd but yeah I am. I have good reason, go back to what I said about wanting what women want. How many of you know a woman who loves transvestites and wants to have sexual relations with them while dressed? None right? Now you see where I am coming from. I LIKE MEN! Does that make my hypocritical?

So I walk in and I see him there, I kiss him, we eat dinner, and he wants to sit on the couch with me and watch TV. He has not changed his clothes yet mind you so all the while I am enjoying myself because I really like him but it is kinda' odd. I mean he has never told me he had that desire before, not even once, so why now? So I ask him, he tells me he has had these feelings since he was a kid and that was probably why he liked me so much. Ahh I see, so now I can only attract others like me? That is the concern that raced through my mind. I thought about what a hypocritical bitch I was for thinking this way and went along with the night. We did fool around a little then I fell asleep and woke to find him looking normal again and passed out next to me on my sofa. I felt really odd, I am so confused, I mean I AM THE GIRL! Right?

I looked a little confused and I guess that set him off into questions over dinner. "Why do you have girl photos favorited in your Flickr account?" Umm because I love their clothes, the looks many like me are able to pull off and I admire them. "You do it, why can't I?" Ahh the million dollar question, well, I told him because if I wanted to date a tranny I would but I thought I was dating someone else is all. "Does it really bother you?" Well, I don't know, I am just not sure if I want a man to compete with me and I am certainly not into giving if you know what I mean so I do not wish to ever do that.

Do any of you have any experience with this? I want to be able to work through it, finding someone to love you in this world for who you are isn't always easy for girls like me. I appreciate any input and hurry, I am not sure what I will do if I find him in my underwear again. It just changed everything, am I shallow? Am I wrong? I am seriously confused...but what else is new huh? :)

Love to all who read me here!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Is Transgendered a Curse or a Blessing?

I have gone back and forth on this based on the various life experiences I was going through at the time. So I ask you, is being transgendered a curse or a blessing? Here are some bullet items for the pro's and the con's to deliberate, and keep in mind I intend for this to be serious yet light hearted.

- You get to experience both genders and choose which you prefer
- You have a perspective from the other side of what is attractive in the gender you choose
- Your fellow transgendered friends are the most non-judgmental people on the planet
- You are never starved for physical partners, you may not always get what you want but men throw themselves at you
- You have a deep appreciation for both genders
- You are not a hormonal woman, at least when your meds do not get out of balance
- You go into a dirty bathroom you don't have to sit down
- Your friends all want to help you
- You are really good at taking pictures, of yourself. :)
- You really love pedicures and manicures, more than genetic women as it is a real treat
- Your bars and clubs you go too are full of many fabulous and beautiful people.

- You spend a lot of time alone :(
- Relationships are hard, 99% of the men you meet only want you for sex
- Married men seem to really be attracted to you. Sorry guys, I am no homewrecker
- Finding good shoes is really really hard, when you throw in fashionable and affordable it gets even harded
- Your feet kill
- Clothes are hard to find, ones that fit well anyway
- Breast forms are hot, I mean you sweat under them, really need these to come in naturally
- Ok thongs do not work for us, hard to hide things in tight dresses and keep them hidden :)
- Pantyhose/Tights are your friend, keeps things in order and makes my butt cute but they are hot
- I know those Vietnamese nail ladies are saying bad things about me, I hate that
- The occasional idiot who feels they need to make you feel bad for being you
- Don't have any relationship with parents
- Growing your hair out takes forever
- Get stopped by a police officer is always very uncomfortable
- MAC is expensive
- Getting "laid off" from your job because of your transition

Anything else? Looking forward to your comments.

Hugs everyone!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


Halloween 2012

Well if you have been reading my blogs you know what Halloween means to me. I love it for so many reasons but this year I have been so busy I am way behind. Today I went to a costume shop, I had a $50 gift card I got for my birthday I have been saving for this very purpose. I love costumes and there are so many cute ones out there. I guess I have an addiction as I cannot help myself from getting a new one every year. I don't smoke, I only socially lightly drink, and I have never done drugs so if a little sexy number every year is my main vice I feel I am ok. :)

So I went looking and trying on today but did not buy. I will let you decide, tell me which one you like the best as I have narrowed down to four. These are the ones I looked best in and felt the most comfortable in. That is a key I have found out as they can be made cheaply and while look cute make you miserable all night. No fun!

Alice in Wonderland

Snow White



Can you help a girl out? Let me know in order which one you like the best!


Friday, October 5, 2012

Let Me Explain - Transgendered

I want to take the time to explain one thing

I get so many emails and inquiries so let me take the time to clear something up. I am a male to female transgendered person, I consider myself female as I am attracted to men, I have had boyfriends in the past but I am single right now. I work hard trying to feed myself and keep my air conditioning on down here in Texas. It isn't easy, I have been fired from my job because of my transition, I have had men in cars throw things at me, I have had people stare and laugh as I walk past them, and I have had men use me for physical excitement and one get really angry when he realized I was not his blow up doll for the night and beat me up in his car. My neighbors are two single girls and they yell ugly things at me from time to time as I am simply laying by the pool or going to get my mail. And going to the grocery store,  trying to find shoes that fit me, going to the doctor when I am ill, buying cosmetics at Wal Mart, going to the bank to open an account and then make a deposit or withdrawal, getting stopped by a police officer and having a drivers license that says Male, even just going to a public event like a festival or fair is a major chore. And try going into a lingerie store and get fitted for a bra that actually will fit me and do it's job, there are mean people in this world.

This is my life, and you would think it was horrible but it really isn't. Imagine waking up in the morning, looking in the mirror, seeing a person there that wasn't how you saw yourself. I am finally waking up every day and seeing the person I truly am, although I wish was prettier. But I am happy, very happy. God is good, he will provide, this is something I hold dear to my heart. Sure things are hard but God never promised us life would be easy, just that it would be a better and happier place if you turn it over to Him.

I am lonely though, you have no idea how hard it is to meet a guy who truly wants to be with me for me and not just because I have breasts, a penis, and wear womens clothing. It is amazing to me how so many see someone like me and they think I am some sex starved person who would just love to go down on them and service them so they can get off and leave and go back to their wives. I am a human being, I have feelings, I experience joy, sorrow, excitement, depression, love, hate, jealousy, animosity, tension, and elation just as you and everyone else does. Crazy huh? I mean, wow, this person is a human being in those high heels! What a concept.

What do I want in life? I want a good job that I am not oppressed or discriminated in where I can go to work, work hard, make my company and myself money and have security in this world. I want a man to make me fall in love with him, to hold my hand, to laugh with, to lay on the couch with as he rubs my feet and I feel intimacy in a non-sexual way with, and one who loves me for who I am, all skeletons included. I want to feel joy and leave the past behind me with a future that is bright and joyful. I want great shoes, pretty dresses, and a wardrobe that I can feel confident in when I go out into the world. I want a cat, someone to live with me who loves me unconditionally and sees me for who I am and not what society labels me. And I just want a car I can depend on.

This is who I am, I am happy, I am lonely, I worry about the future, I try to forget the past, and I am happy. I cry, I laugh, I bleed, I smile, I frown, and I walk with my head held high as I trust in my God to be by my side as I walk through this life that is special and unique and I wouldn't trade for the world.

Now, when you email me, call me, meet me, I sure hope you read this. Life is short, please bring me joy or go where you will find it yourself and not at the expense of this human being just trying to live each day.

Have a great weekend, love to all


Thursday, September 27, 2012

College Days - Part V

College Days - First Love

They say everyone remembers their first kiss and their first love. Well my first kiss was while wearing boy clothes with my first girlfriend in middle school. I guess I remember it but I am not sure I remember it like most people. But my first love, well that is a whole different story.

I returned to college after Christmas Break, all mixed up and trying to figure out who I was and how I was going to live my life. As awkward as that semester was I did have one bright shining star enter my life. One day in February I went out with the girls to a local bar and restaurant that we often frequented. I had raided my BFF Tammy's closet and had a cute black sweater dress on with black tights and high heeled boots. I was looking good, margaritas were flowing, and I was feeling good when HE walked in. Now I am sure everyone in life has that one person that they had a relationship with but never in a million years thought was possible. Not only was he not in my league he was probably not in to girls with a penis. I mean you have to be real about things right? But he was dreamy, and I had been seeing him since the day I arrived on campus. Thick really dark brown hair, tan, muscular but not large, and funny. He was in two of my classes in the Fall and one in the Spring and I often caught myself staring at him across the classroom just wondering what his breath smelled like and holding his pretty hands. Well here we all were, and here he is. I saw him come in and I trembled a little, at that time I actually acknowledged that I had a crush on him. His name was David and I will never ever forget the night that was about to occur.

I whispered to Tammy and Suzanne that he was a guy in my class and I thought he was really cute. Tammy being the social butterfly that she is looks me in the eyes and says "I know him! Let's invite him over!" and before I could veto out of nervousness and generally being shy she yells "Davey boy, get over here!" I remember him walking over and I remember watching him like it was one of those Dream Weaver scenes from Wayne's World as he did. He hugged Tammy and she introduced him to Suzanne first and then looks at me and says "This is my good friend Val." I reach out my hand and he takes it and says "pleased to meet you Val." Ahhhh I am dying! He touched my hand! You know that dreamy guy like the guy in Sixteen Candles was to Molly Ringwald he was to me. No way I could ever be with a boy like that! So him coming over was kinda' a big deal to me. I remember being all squirmy and antsy but I could not stop smiling and staring in to his big beautiful brown eyes. We all stayed there for awhile when he says "a friend of mine is having a party, free beer and margaritas, want to go?" Well Tammy jumps up and says yes again before I can put my two cents in and we closed out our bill and left.

In the car I tell Tammy that I am nervous, I had never been out at a party with normal boys in my feminine attire outside of the costume parties where people think it is a joke. She and Suzanne look back at me and tell me to chill as I look good and people are not going to even know. And if they did they would not care. Well, imagine yourself in my 4" stiletto boots, I am a boy in girls clothes going to the cool kids party. This could be terrible! Anyway, I reluctantly agree to go and we pull up to the apartment where the party was being hosted. I remember walking in and scanning the room for the girls, not the boys so much, I actually had a greater fear of the cool college girls than any boy. Odd maybe but one thing about the girl world you need to know is it is always a competition. Any girl who walks in on another girls turf looking hot will get discredited and talked about on eyesight so I was watching out for the whisperers of the crowd. A couple I could see were already working but really not as bad as I had feared. So I go in, we all three get Margaritas, and David asks us to walk out on the balcony. It was a cold night that night, I remember sitting in a lawn chair and shivering. I did not own a coat except this guy thing that was Dallas Cowboys and I certainly was not going to wear that with a Banana Republic sweater dress! So I sat there shivering, maybe my teeth began to rattle or something and David notices and asks if I would like his jacket. I smiled, said yes very shy like, and he placed it over my shoulders. I was in heaven, it smelled like him and I was warm and comforted. But more than anything, accepted by a man.

We sat and talked for an hour or so and Tammy invites David and one other boy to go back to her apartment and get out of the cold. He agrees and we all go to Tammy's place. Tammy and her guy proceed to go into the kitchen where she gets some Mike's Hard Lemonades for she and I and beers for the guys. They stay in the kitchen and I start to hear them kissing. Guess she got yet another boy at the snap of her fingers I thought, I mean she got whatever she ever wanted in that area and it was sickening! Of course she is beautiful, blonde, green eyes, leggy and in a miniskirt, and has very large breasts. She is low hanging fruit for lack of a better term because she is gorgeous and she likes every boy who has interest in her. Ha ha, she will kill me when she reads this but then she will admit it is true so I am comfortable me writing it won't upset her too much. :) Anyway, I hear them kissing so I kinda' giggle and look at David who is sitting on the sofa next to me. I say "I guess we are on our own tonight, those two look to be busy already." David looks at me and says we should watch a movie or something, that he is tired and he just wants to hang. Ok, I am still coming out of my boots here but it is deep in the evening and I am exhausted as well so I am much looser and in large part due to being tipsy. I remember turning on the TV, finding a movie on cable, taking my boots off and placing my legs up on the ottoman that sat in front of our couch. David while on the same couch was a good 3' away and I am not seeing any romantic anything coming my way so I just got comfortable. It was then that David says to me, "you really have pretty legs, I like girls in black tights." I remember trembling, shaking, and a lot of activity occurring under my tights that I really will never forget. I smiled back and said "Thank you!" and went back to looking at the movie. He gets up, sits right next to me and says "I really think you are cute, can I have a hug?" Of course I tell him and hug him. I remember as I start to pull back he kisses my neck. Ooooh, wow, that was exciting. I remember pulling back, looking at him in the eyes, and he puts his hand on the back of my head and pulls my mouth to his. We start to kiss, and it is the hottest first kiss I have ever had my entire life. He pulls back after about a 5 minute make out session, puts his hand on my thigh, head on my shoulder, and starts watching the movie.

At this point I am at a crossroads, do I go further with the boy of my dreams or do I tell him who I am and run the risk of losing it all? You can only imagine the turmoil in my mind, this was a huge thing! I sat there for ten minutes worrying about it and then I just blurt it out. "David, I have to be honest with you about something." He looks at me, smiles, and says "Tammy told me a lot about you, so if you are nervous about that just know I appreciate your honesty but I know, and I am here, and nothing else needs to be said." I remember that feeling still to this day, acceptance, joy, excitement, and early love. I looked at him, kissed him on his pretty lips, and pulled his hands inside mine. We fell asleep there and woke up many hours later. Imagine that, a boy likes me, and this boy! A hard life before really started to come into a stage of pure joy that I had not felt much before. I was so happy.

The next morning when we woke I ran in the bathroom, I had to pee so bad, and I remember looking in the mirror and smiling at myself. This was joy, something I had never felt before to this level. I remember touching up my makeup, fixing my wig (I had not started growing out my hair yet to the level where it looked good) and walking back out to the living room. He looked at me, smiled, kissed me while holding my hands, and said "can we do this again soon?" I said of course and he kissed my cheek, took my hand to his mouth and kissed it, and left. I closed the door, slid down the door on my back, and just started to smile uncontrollably. Mr. Dreamy made my day, what can a girl say? I was in Heaven.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Want To Make A Difference In The World?

Ever think, I wish I could make a difference in the world?

Ever thought for one second about the ripple effect good actions can have in a day? For example, you tell a girl in the morning she is beautiful. She then goes off into the world and drives to her job with a smile on her face, she sings, she gets to work and she says hi with a pretty smile to all she passes as she comes in, and so on, and so on, and so on.

Now, let's back up and explore the opposite. Say you don't say anything at all and maybe the girl is having some self esteem issues. Maybe she is upset about something in the world and feeling there is no joy. So you pass and say nothing, she drives off to work and she is listening to depressing or even angry music. She cuts a couple people off, people get angry, they go off into the world and instead of smiling at the people they work with when they come in they grumble and frown. Those people are put into a bad place and everyone around them is affected negatively as well.

You see how one simple action can change the world, even if it is just for a half of a day? You may change a portion of the worlds outlook by one simple action so take the moment and try each and every day. Smile, say something nice to those you share the world with, open a door for someone, let an old lady in front of you on the way to work even though you may be late, tell someone you love them. Let's change the world for 20-30 people every day one day at a time. Life is too short, we all deserve happiness, so give it and it will come back 10 fold.

God bless you all!

Slight diversion - Judge me do you?

Jesus said "you without sin cast the first stone"

Ok I am pretty poor, and I am very ok with that. Money does not make you happy in life although it does buy you some nude peep toe platform pumps that I so desperately need. Well you know me, I had to throw a little humor in here.

Ok I am a little spiritual, not overly, but I do have a foundation in my life and it is my belief that there is a God, he loves us all unconditionally, and we probably make him cry on a daily basis. That being said there are so many self righteous people in the world that hide behind the name of Christianity and pass judgement off on anyone and everyone they come in contact with. I have this neighbor and she is about 45 years old, divorced, has a child out of wedlock, and she often is on the same bus route as I am in the morning so I have to sit there with her each and every day. She is always kinda' rude, just not nice, and always looking at what I am wearing and mumbling things. I guess the bus route thing was the reason I brought up my financial situation, maybe I was trying to lead into this somehow and failed miserably. Oh well, back to the story, this morning this lady really upset me.

I walked out to the bus, in jeans, a pair of black strappy cork wedges, and a black t-shirt. I am carrying my book bag and  my purse and I sit down next to her on the bench. She looks down at my toes and asks, "do you do your toes yourself?" I said yes, do you think they look bad? "No" she says, "they are actually really nice." I just did them in a baby blue color and put white polka dots on them like Taylor Swift in the opening scene of her "Our Song" video. I was pretty proud of them, they are cute, and a compliment coming from this woman? Is this what I am hearing? Interesting. Well the conversation then goes on about how she spends a fortune on getting her nails done in the salon next to our apartment and that she really needs to find a better place because for that amount of money she should be taken care of better. Her polish does not last, chips easy, you know all the girl problem stuff we complain about. Anyway, I state that I do not go to salons because I simply cannot afford it so I have tried to train myself to do it as well as I can. She replies, "well if you were not living in a life of sin your Lord God would provide for you.""Excuse me? I am living in a life of sin?" I respond. She says "yes, you homosexual queers are a disgrace to the life your Lord has given you and you need to repent and pray for forgiveness." Ok to some degree she is right, I mean DON'T WE ALL? INCLUDING YOU? I looked down at the ground, stared at my toes, and tried to not cry. She didn't insult me as much as she was just yet another thorn in my side in life and I am just so worn down and tired of thorns.

The bus comes, we both board, and I sit. She walks in behind me and sits on the row right behind me and and says, "I am sorry I upset you, but you have to realize that God meant for a man to sleep with a woman and your lifestyle offends me." I turned back around and I looked her in the face and asked her the following "Do you know me? Do you know anything about the mental aspect of a transgendered person and how they see the world, themselves, those they love?" She says "No I just know homosexuals are a disgrace to God and admonished in the Bible." I respond "So is divorce, adultery, and having children out of wedlock. You don't judge yourself on these things?" She says "No because Jesus Christ has saved me and washed away all my sins." To which I respond "So people like me do not get the same?" She sits, stares at the back of my seat, and says nothing the rest of the ride in to town.

My bus stop comes, I get up, collect my things, and I looked back at her and said "I hope you have a great and blessed day and if you ever want someone to help you with your nails feel free to knock on my door. I am always happy to help someone in need, I just may need the same of someone in return one day. That is what Christian people do." She stares at me, I walk away, and as I stepped off the bus I smiled. It does pay off in life to always take the high road, trust me, it is very empowering.

May you all have a blessed and happy day!