I am really a happy person, but....
I have been seeing this guy now for some time. We are not exclusive but we have been going out since August. I really like him, he is so cute and funny, but now I am not so sure he and I are a fit. I am pretty depressed about it but let me walk you through it as I work through it myself.
I try to be a really good girl, as you can imagine in the transgendered world there is a lot of sex and a lot of sex expectations because of it all. I have always said I was a girl trapped in a male body and that it is different than transgenderism in what I mean when I say that. I don't see the world in any way that a man would, and I want and desire nothing but things girls desire. I do not care for sports, I do not care for anything a guy wants and never have. So that also means I want what girls want, I feel as a woman and that is something that differentiates me from say a drag queen or a transvestite. I do not want sex, I want love. I do enjoy sex, in what little I have had in my life, but I really want the whole prince to come swoop me off my feet and carry me away to his castle and love me for all my life. So simply put, I am not easy. :)
I have been dating Robbie now for almost 3 months and while we have kissed and fooled around we have not gone all the way yet. The other night, when I returned home from visiting my sister for Thanksgiving he wanted to make me dinner at my place. I told him to meet me there as I had some work to do and I would be home shortly. I came home and there was Robbie standing in my shear baby doll nightie, some of my black lace top thigh highs, and a full face of makeup and one of my wigs on. Ok, imagine the irony! Here I am judging someone for wearing women's clothing? Me? Ha ha, yeah ok odd but yeah I am. I have good reason, go back to what I said about wanting what women want. How many of you know a woman who loves transvestites and wants to have sexual relations with them while dressed? None right? Now you see where I am coming from. I LIKE MEN! Does that make my hypocritical?
So I walk in and I see him there, I kiss him, we eat dinner, and he wants to sit on the couch with me and watch TV. He has not changed his clothes yet mind you so all the while I am enjoying myself because I really like him but it is kinda' odd. I mean he has never told me he had that desire before, not even once, so why now? So I ask him, he tells me he has had these feelings since he was a kid and that was probably why he liked me so much. Ahh I see, so now I can only attract others like me? That is the concern that raced through my mind. I thought about what a hypocritical bitch I was for thinking this way and went along with the night. We did fool around a little then I fell asleep and woke to find him looking normal again and passed out next to me on my sofa. I felt really odd, I am so confused, I mean I AM THE GIRL! Right?
I looked a little confused and I guess that set him off into questions over dinner. "Why do you have girl photos favorited in your Flickr account?" Umm because I love their clothes, the looks many like me are able to pull off and I admire them. "You do it, why can't I?" Ahh the million dollar question, well, I told him because if I wanted to date a tranny I would but I thought I was dating someone else is all. "Does it really bother you?" Well, I don't know, I am just not sure if I want a man to compete with me and I am certainly not into giving if you know what I mean so I do not wish to ever do that.
Do any of you have any experience with this? I want to be able to work through it, finding someone to love you in this world for who you are isn't always easy for girls like me. I appreciate any input and hurry, I am not sure what I will do if I find him in my underwear again. It just changed everything, am I shallow? Am I wrong? I am seriously confused...but what else is new huh? :)
Love to all who read me here!