When I was 6 I remember sneaking in to my Mom's closet. I can remember thinking her clothes were so much more fun than mine. My sister had a drawer I distinctly remember that had fun things in it like leotards, tights, and a tutu from her ballet days. These things I would go play with when I was alone, and when I put them on I felt very happy. Some "cross dressers" dress for sexual thrill, I dressed for peace of mind and comfort. I would play with my sisters makeup, she would do my face sometimes and thought she was just being funny but secretly I was never happier as a child as I was during those times. Her room was pink and white, and she had fun things to play with like this awesome doll house and she was the first to have her own CD player. We would listen to Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey, and No Doubt for hours on end. We would dance and sing and pretend we were these artists and put on shows in her room. These were the first memories I had of being different.
In High School I can remember really struggling the most in life. I was so confused as to who I was that I lived in a fog. I was not a popular kid, I did not play sports, was not musically gifted, and really did not fit in anywhere. I remember having more girlfriends than guy friends and spending a lot of time listening to them talk, going with them to the mall, and just hanging out. I think I was a sophomore when one of my friends asked me if I was gay. I was so shocked by this question, "OF COURSE NOT" I said! I mean NO! Not me! So I spent the rest of my High School years playing the role of ladies man, dating and trying to conquer as many women as possible to prove I was not classified as something I was so scared of and for what reason I to this day do not know why. And while I was out conquering and eating meat and burping and swearing, secretly underneath I was crying. I would wear the hippest male clothing I could buy, and underneath a pair of pantyhose I snuck out of my sisters drawer with pink painted toenails. Which, as you can imagine made gym class always an adventure and took some careful planning.
During those days I remember longing to be able to wear what I really wanted to school and be accepted. I would pray to God every night before I fell asleep that I would wake up a girl and finally be happy. Every morning I woke I would look down and every morning I wanted to cry. Was I really trapped in this Hell on Earth forever? Is there no way out? How do I make it through another day pretending to be someone I am not? And every night I would pray again, only to awaken and have to face the world again in a costume hiding who I really am.
My happiest day in High School was one Halloween, my best friend in the world Carrie thought it would be hilarious if I went out as Wonder Woman and she went out as Superman. So we went to the costume shop, I got my costume complete with wig, tights, and we went to a resale place and found a pair of red go go boots. We went back to her place and she did my makeup and my hair, bought me some Lee Press on Nails and painted them red, I painted my toes the same color, and put on the outfit. That was the first time ever anyone besides my sister saw me in female clothing. She said I was beautiful and I felt so awesome! We went to a party together, of course all the guys laughed at me and the girls thought it was amazing. Gee I wonder who I fit in with right? Anyway, this party was more than going out in public with my ass hanging out of a star spangled leotard and face full of makeup, it was much much more. Later that evening right before the party wrapped up I was outside in the back yard of the home where the party was and a boy on the football team, Lance, came up to me. He told me I looked really hot for being a guy. I was shaking, it was like wow, that was odd, what am I feeling here? My heart raced, my knees quivered, and oh God, why is my leotard bottom getting tight? Oh no! That can't happen! It was innocent, he didn't mean anything, and I am just nervous. Well we went behind the garage in a haze of how we got there that I do not remember and he kissed me. We made out for a long time before he had to go. I walked back in, lipstick was a wreck, and Carrie said these simple words. "I knew." She smiled, she hugged me, she fixed my face, and we went home and I crashed at her place. That night I slept absolutely zero after getting out of the costume (which I did not wish to take off ever!) and I came to the realization of who I was and why I was so confused my whole life.
I finished High School that year, Lance never spoke to me again and avoided me like I had the plague, and Carrie and my friends had a fantastic year together. Unfortunately Carrie was killed in an auto accident the Summer between our Senior year and College. One more blow in life to deal with, we were both going to Southwestern University together, living together, and now I was cast into the world all alone with a whole new set of rules.
See what I mean about normalcy? More to come.
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