It was time to go back to school, Christmas was over, a new year had begun, I had experienced so much from the middle of October to the end of December as far as becoming who I really was but what comes next? I was knee deep in right? My sister knew, my two best friends knew, they had all invested in me becoming who I truly was inside for the rest of the world to see, but was I ready to put on female clothing and go to class? It is one thing on Halloween, another when hanging out with your girlfriends, but to go out in the middle of the day and live your life, that is a whole other level. I was so scared, what if people mocked me, would the girls giggle, would the professors judge me? But the biggest hangup I had was would I change my name? If I go through with this I can't answer to Michael and be in a pair of pumps! So complicated! At that time I decided I was not ready to go through changing my name at school because that would be a pain but they would change my name on all my correspondence so that meant my parents would get that and I had not told them anything yet. I was so not ready for that yet. So the semester plan was to go to school as Michael but at night try to live as full time as Valerie as possible. It was time to start going out in public more and going out alone and seeing if this was even possible. Again, scary right?
The Spring semester went along, class started, everything was great. I would go to class and as soon as I came home I would immediately change into my female image every single day like someone who wakes up in the morning and takes a shower and dresses to start the day. One of the challenges was hair, mine was short and I had not started growing it out yet and the other was nails. I so wanted to do them and do them right but the whole painting them for 6-7 hours, taking it off, doing it again the next day was exhausting as well as expensive. I was somewhere in the middle, not a man nor a girl, and it was killing me going in and out every day. It was not about being a male or a female as much as it was just not having the time or the energy to always be putting on fronts. By Spring Break I was not even doing the Valerie thing and questioning whether or not I really could go through with this. I went weeks without transforming in any form although I would still read each issue of Cosmo cover to cover and caught myself watching chick flicks and shows more than anything else I was just not living the life very often any more.
I went home for Spring Break and again reunited with my sis. We sat on her bed one night of the break and just talked, talked about all of these things and I caught her up on where I was and the issues I was having. She got really concerned for me, she thought I was clinically depressed, and threatened to take it to Mom and Dad and tell them I was suffering from depression because she was scared for me and my well being. She said she did not want to get a call one day that I had hung myself with a necktie in my closet in Georgetown and would do anything necessary to prevent that. I remember being so angry with her, it was like she was forcing my hand and I did not even feel sick or depressed to the level she said I was. As a compromise I told her I would go see someone back at school on campus as they had free therapy for students through an organization on campus that they all made us aware of at orientation. She seemed ok with that, I got that monkey off my back for awhile anyway, and life moved on.
I returned to Georgetown and looked up the number and gave them a call. I told them of my issues and they asked if I could come right then and there to speak with them. They were all very serious and I guess if they feel you are depressed they don't want you to make an appointment and do something dumb between the call and then. I packed up my backpack and walked out my door right away because they said if they did not see me in 10 minutes they would call for help. What? Crazy! I wasn't depressed! I am just doing this to appease my sister. So I got out of my door and went there right away. But in my hasted it never really donned on me, what would I say? Why am I depressed anyway if I truly am that way? Do I out myself on campus? That walk was 10 minutes but I don't think my mind raced more ever. I got to the door of their office and I remember grasping the door handle, pausing, taking a deep breath, and entering.
More to come...
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